Demons within…

It’s been 2 hrs since I laid down ready to let sleep creep in and take me away… But… Nothing…absolutely nothing. 

I suppose it will be another sleepless night, haunted by millions of thoughts running wild in my mind. I’m not sure which ones worse, the insomnia, anxiety or the depression. They are all nightmares, but all of them together, it’s just hell. 

Firstly, the anxiety make you worry about everything, but the depression it’s like you don’t want to care about any of it. Then along comes insomnia, giving a place and time for the both of them battle it out, and it’s exhausting.

Right now I hate myself, really hate myself. My partner lays next to me and all I can think about is why is he there?.. With me? 

I’m lost. I feel alone even though my whole family is currently under the same roof,there are 8 of us, and I’m still so so alone. 

I’m getting married in October, I should feel so happy, but all I do is worry about the day, and what if something goes wrong, what if I do something wrong, then we get to the dreaded stress of money. 

My little girl is 5 months old now, and I love her more than anything, but I constantly feel like I’m doing a bad job. What if I’m doing something wrong, how will I know?

I lay here writing down my thoughts in a hope they might leave my mind and let me sleep for even just an hour.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m sad, anxious and tired all the time I don’t know what to do anymore.

I will try shut my eyes again, hopefully sleep can take me away, please just for a little while.

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The simple things in life.

Money makes the world go around, well, that’s what they say. Yes I like money, yes life is easier with money and yes I would love to win the 10 million dollar powerball this Thursday, but the reality is, I won’t. No it’s not impossible, but the 1 in 8,145,060 odds that I will win, doesn’t really fall in my favour, plus there’s the fact I haven’t brought a ticket, therefore, in that case, my odds are down to zero.
But why is money so important? why can’t we just focus on the simple things in life? What is it that is holding us back?

Everything seems to have a price on it, it’s not often you organise to do something with someone without spending a pretty penny. 

It’s like you can’t do anything without spending a little… Or a lot of money. Technology for one, most of us are guilty of spending loads just to have the latest and greatest. Kids these days, using iPads when they are 2 years old, when I was 2, I was eating mud!

Unfortunatly these days most of the simple things get left behind, we have to work, pay bills, clean and run around (maybe sleep somewhere in there) and when we do have that little time to sit and see what’s in front of us, our minds are going a billion miles an hour, thinking about what we have to buy next  to get by, we can’t seem to slow down and just… Enjoy

Future.

imageFuture

“Having a baby is a life-changer. It gives you a whole other perspective on why you wake up every day” – Taylor Hanson

I often lay in bed at night and think about what kind of person my little girl will be when she grows up.

Mostly, I wonder if she will follow in my, her mother’s, footsteps. Will she make the same mistakes as me? Will she have the same regrets as me? Will she look for love in all the wrong places as I did?

But then I see past all the negative of what might be and find some peace in other thoughts that flood my mind, if she does grow up like her mother, it’s not all bad.

It means she would love and have another love her back, she would have friendships that would last a lifetime and one day she too would have a little mini-me to worry about herself, and with that, ultimately she would have found unconditional love, and that is the greatest gift in life I could hope for her.